a conversation with my audi

This is what happened after requesting a previous audiogram from my old audiologist. 




Me:yes I got it, thank you! I'm amazed at the changes... over three years, almost to the day... major changes. The ENT said he thinks it is genetic... but we are doing tests to be sure. Thank you!

Audi
I'm sorry -  Are your ears still functional (that is, can you use hearing aids and get good benefit even though your loss is severe/profound)?  Deb


Me.
yes and no... I have the phonak Naida S UPs... so I am getting the access to the sound that I need, but my speech discrimination has gone down to about 25%... so I'm not understanding much at all. They also have been having the tendency to give me headaches when used for longer than an hour or two at a time, and I get dizzy pretty fast when wearing them. And even though my current audiologist checked my comfort level, to be sure that loud sounds don't hurt... sometimes they still do... having to do more fine tuning I think. They were much more useful in July then they are now... at that time my left ear was at 80 db and my right ear was at 90... 

Ash

P.S. You don't have to be sorry... I've known this day would come for a while now... so I've been preparing. Finding the Deaf Community here has been an absolutely amazing experience, and my eyes have been opened to a world I never knew existed, never knew I could be a part of. I sign nearly fluently, it is my main mode of communication now, though I still lipread and voice for my clients at work, but I'm finding my way home, to people who understand me, and I them. The main reason I'm even seeing the ENT isn't necessarily because I'm worried about what is going to happen if I loose all my hearing... but more because I want to be sure there isn't something physically wrong that may affect other parts of my body. I'm finally happy being Deaf... I don't HAVE to ask people anymore, what? sorry didn't catch that... or try to pretend that I can follow conversations where there are multiple speakers... I have learned I don't have to apologize for who I am, who I have become, and that has made all the difference.

The simple words of saying I'm sorry may not seem insulting to many people... especially when it is over "loosing" a sense... and... I can't really say that I was truly insulted... but I did feel the need to educate. I have never had perfect hearing, I have always had some loss... though it has never been to the extent that it is now... it was never perfect. Its taken me years to figure out who I am, where I belong... and along the way I have had the numerous... "i'm so sorry you can't hear" or the "I will pray that Jesus gives you your hearing back" or the "you poor thing" it happens... too often for my liking. And for such a long time... I thought that I was wrong, that someone made a mistake while making me, that I was less because of my being "less than perfect"... but then... I found the Deaf community, I found sign language which came so naturally to me, in a way speech and hearing never did. Things are no longer muffled... but the sign, they are clear... they are understandable... they are nothing less than beautiful. I wish that I could show people how I see the world around me, how I perceive it... with and without my hearing aids on.

Let me draw a mental picture...

without my hearing aids...

science, you feel the air all around you, the slightest vibrations, you see the beauty of the earth... the colors seem so distinct, magnified almost... you see the people around you... some of them walking in their own little world... some of them moving their lips... rhythmically... you may wonder what they are saying... but normally... you know it is of little importance. You walk and see a friend... one who communicates on your terms... with their hands and eyes instead of their mouth and ears... and this wonderful conversation follows... and you see the pictures moving infront of you, you see their message drawn out like its a movie... and yours is the same... it feels... beautiful...

with my Hearing Aids...

noise, all the things that people with normal hearing learn to tune out... the noise... the fans in the background feeling as if they are jets going off in your ears... after a few minutes... your eyesight feels as if it is starting to go... it becomes fuzzy as your head begins to hurt... because... this isn't normal, this isn't natural... this isn't... you. You have to concentrate, trying to read what little there is to be shown on a persons lips, to try and get the meaning... and try and connect it with the noise blasting into your ears... now... imagine something dropping a few feet from you... it feels as if it is right there... right in your ear... drilling a hole into your head... and then you remember, you are trying to have a conversation with someone... so you concentrate on their lips again... you pick up... "blah blah try blah blah blah blah blah home blah blah blah with blah blah blah fun" what could that mean? and the words you caught... are they really the words that were said? there is no way to know... so you smile and nod... the sounds in your ears just getting louder, and louder... you just want it to be... quiet... to be able to understand... 

in the Deaf community... I am home... when I am forced into the hearing world... I am an outcast, a stranger... lost... so there is no reason to say I'm sorry... there is no reason to "pray for my hearing" but there is every reason to learn my language, to interact with me on my terms, only then can you see who I really am... because only then am I home. 

getting back to me...

so its been too long since I've actually written, much of anything... a few day by day things... but nothing much... nothing that actually meant anything... and even now I am finding it hard... I am finding it hard to make meaningful words come out... and i'm not sure why... it could be because i haven't written in so long... or it could be because I'm so distracted to be able to write anything meaningful... I want to... but I think I need to find myself first... but writing has always been my way of finding myself... its easier than speaking, it has more depth to it... theres just so much more to it... it can be more thought out than spoken language... and at the same time... it can also be more impulsive than spoken language. For me... spoken language isn't everything... that might be because I can't hear it without my hearing aids, or because even with my hearing aids I don't always understand everything... Yes I can read lips, yes I can speak well... but that doesn't really make spoken language accessible to me. Writing is much more accessible... sign language, oh how I love sign, that is my language. Not while I was growing up... but now... it is the one place where I feel as if i'm not wrong... like i'm not a broken hearing person... like I can just be deaf... where I understand everything, or most of everything... where I am... free to be me. even the written word is not as versatile, expressive as sign language, sign is my home... and I am realizing that more and more every day... understanding that I am not "hearing impaired" I am not "Hard of hearing" but i am deaf... and becoming more and more Deaf. and I am fine with that... I really am...

That is all I have time for now... but hopefully soon I will have time to write again... time to find more of myself... time to relax and be me...

Gluten Free Living

So Amber and I are going gluten free, though at times we feel like our options are limited, some of my friends have told us, do not feel that way. So here we are, trying not to feel like we are being limited, we can still have pasta, we can still have meat, we can still have just about anything. We can't do any prepackaged meals any more, because the majority of them have a lot of gluten. I am also doing what I should have been doing for a while, going lactose free, so no "real" milk (which I haven't been doing for a while) and no "real" cheese, which makes me sad. I have been doing rice cheese, which is surprisingly yummy. So here are some pictures of our first attempt at making gluten free pasta.
First we start out with the recipie



















Then Some of the ingrediants

Then the cutting of the pasta

Then Cooking it!

We served it with an artichoke pesto sauce, which is amazing. All in all, the pasta was pretty good, it was a little slimy, I'm not sure if that is because it was gluten free, home made or both, or just that we weren't sure how to do it. We are going to try it a little different next time, trying to get the pasta thinner, if anyone has any suggestions, it would be wonderful!

Yummy food!

So Amber and I have been trying to cook more, we made a wonderful dish with turkey in it, and it was really simple.

Brown the Turkey
add apple juice, a fresh cut apple, some ginger and some cinnamon, let the turkey cook on the stove covered until its done.
then take the turkey and the apples out of the pan, mix together some corn startch (1tbls) and cold water (2 tbls) and mix them in with the juices. let the juice thicken and serve on top of the turkey and apples!

We had that with some cheesy rice, which was also very yummy.
cook the rice, add a can of chicken broth, add cheese to taste. (the cheese we found works really good is the kraft mexican blend with cream cheese in it)

We had gone to a Chinese restaurant a while back that had a really cool idea for desert (it would have worked better as a desert if the oranges were sweeter though) I really want to learn how to do this to oranges.

 

We want to become better cooks, so we've just been playing around with food. Amber made a wonderful home made mac and cheese, and to spice it up we added turkey kielbasa sausage. Made with shells and Velveeta. it was wonderful. 

Do you have any family favorites for food we could try?

So I'm trying

So I'm trying out this blogging thing. I"m going to try to write at least once a week, I'm not sure how it is going to go, or if I will even continue this, but at least I'm going to try.

This Weekend my sister and her friend Rachel came up and we went to Dave and Busters. It was a blast. We had dinner and played games, Amber won 1000 tickets in one game, and Sherry won 500! Although we really learned how to pick the games that don't work... we found at least 3 or 4 that didn't work... that didn't give the tickets out... but the attendants helped us out.

 

After we went to Dave and Busters we played a wonderful game of Randomness called Quelf, it was so much fun, or as i was suppose to say most of the night, "it was so much fun, it was so much fun" Rachel had to attach three things to her in three different ways.

and then had to try to tie a tie... which she had never done :) Silly Rachel. So I tried to teach a drunk Rachel how to tie a tie, then Amber put it on her head...

All in all, I think it was an amazing night. I'll try to write again soon.