getting back to me...

so its been too long since I've actually written, much of anything... a few day by day things... but nothing much... nothing that actually meant anything... and even now I am finding it hard... I am finding it hard to make meaningful words come out... and i'm not sure why... it could be because i haven't written in so long... or it could be because I'm so distracted to be able to write anything meaningful... I want to... but I think I need to find myself first... but writing has always been my way of finding myself... its easier than speaking, it has more depth to it... theres just so much more to it... it can be more thought out than spoken language... and at the same time... it can also be more impulsive than spoken language. For me... spoken language isn't everything... that might be because I can't hear it without my hearing aids, or because even with my hearing aids I don't always understand everything... Yes I can read lips, yes I can speak well... but that doesn't really make spoken language accessible to me. Writing is much more accessible... sign language, oh how I love sign, that is my language. Not while I was growing up... but now... it is the one place where I feel as if i'm not wrong... like i'm not a broken hearing person... like I can just be deaf... where I understand everything, or most of everything... where I am... free to be me. even the written word is not as versatile, expressive as sign language, sign is my home... and I am realizing that more and more every day... understanding that I am not "hearing impaired" I am not "Hard of hearing" but i am deaf... and becoming more and more Deaf. and I am fine with that... I really am...

That is all I have time for now... but hopefully soon I will have time to write again... time to find more of myself... time to relax and be me...