adjusting to my quiet life

so... I’ve had hearing issues my entire life, I would never have called them problems, just issues... I couldn’t hear what other people could, understand what other people could, but for me... that wasn’t really a problem. growing up with a stable 45 db loss in each ear... having hearing aids, being in the hearing world... it is just how life was. Then, within the last few years, my deafness has taken a drastic incline, I have become much more deaf. I am now only hearing above 95 or 110 db depending on the ear... and I’ve been wondering, am i missing something, even with my hearing aids? or is this how life is suppose to be?

This wondering has been a long time coming... I was so content in the hearing world, living in it, working in it, learning in it... that it has taken me a long time to realize, thats not my world... the hearing world is not where I should be, though I have been living in it for most of my life... I never really... fit in... I didn’t hear what other people said, I didn’t understand the words and sounds coming out of their mouth, but what I did do... was i thought deaf... if someone isn’t looking at you, they aren’t “listening” to you, its ok to wave to get someones attention... tell all the details about a story, don’t leave anything out, is there a tree in your story? where is the tree? where are you... spacial factors MATTER (because of this, in the hearing world... i’ve been told I tell pointless stories), tell it how it is, don’t beat around the bush that way... tell life how it is. No one in my life ever understood this before... not until I found my world, my community, those who I can, and do understand without the use of sound... my Deaf Community, where I fit in, where I belong, where I thrive!

so saying all of this, I’m learning to adjust, I’m adjusting to my Deaf world, its a big change from the hearing world I so desperately wanted to be a part of for 22 years, where I tried everything to be a part of, and in some aspects of life, its easier to adjust to the world I should have been in my entire life, and in other aspects... its still hard. 

I want to discus the hard parts first... most of my family, is hearing... or at least hearing minded... they don’t understand the world I live in... and some of them seem like they don’t want to. My hearing family, even with this genetic link to SNL deafness... is still very hearing minded, and they are having a hard time adjusting to my Deafness too... they don’t understand why they can’t just call... why I HAVE to text, why when they ring the door bell (or at least did) I didn’t come running to answer it... and mostly (especially at this time of the year) why I HATE family gatherings... and the simple answer I give them, doesn’t seem to satisfy them... but it makes perfect sense to me and quite a few of my friends... I’m Deaf... but they don’t grasp the meaning behind it... they don’t understand what that means for my life. 

I also work in the hearing world, I have little access to assistive devices, though they say they are “working on it” I have a captioned phone because I contacted the people to get it... but still... that requires me to try and work in the hearing world... I speak, I read, I lipread at work... I get exhausted... and I’m the only one conforming to their world... I, even with my HA’s on... have a hard time knowing when the door opens, when someone walks in, I have to lipread complete strangers on a regular basis... and I’m the one who gets in trouble if I can’t understand them... or if I even ask them to write something down... Its all on me.

My SO is hearing, and she doesn’t understand my deaf life... she always tells me she thinks I hear better than i really do... and gets mad when I have stopped pretending I can hear her, that I can understand her, because she asked me to... sometimes its easier to pretend you understood something than ask them to repeat over and over again... and still... not get it. 

I’m also having to use my HA’s 100% at work, and over 50% of the time when I’m with my SO or any of my family... when after a long day of “hearing” all I really want is to just be allowed to be Deaf... to sign, to be in my quiet life... but no... I’m still having to lipread... still having to voice, still getting corrected on my pronunciation... its an exhausting life.

But there are things that have made it easier... my transition... meeting new friends from not only here in Colorado, not only here in the US, but all around the world, who understand what its like to be Deaf. I have a community, a local one, as well as a global one. We may not always understand what the other is trying to convey, but we understand the life of a Deaf person.  I love my little community, all my friends I have made (most of which I haven’t met in person yet) but I still love them... they are my family, just as much as my biological family is. 

Another thing that has recently made me feel safer and more secure, having just a couple “assistive devices” at home, my complex was wonderful at getting me a flashing door bell and, the thing that has made me feel safe at home, is my flashing smoke detector. I was so nervous and scared to ask for even the possibility of getting these things in my home, because I have not only been told horror stories about trying to get into an apartment because of what society sees as a disability, but also people being forced out of their homes because they informed their complex of their “disability”. My managers were wonderful at this, they had no issues ordering and installing what I needed to feel safe at home, what I needed to feel like I was at home, and that my home was suitable for me.

I have also been using ASL much more than ever before. I was denied that right growing up, I was told that I could not learn it, because then... I wouldn’t speak... I was told that I couldn’t meet any Deaf people, because then... I would become Deaf... I finally told my parents at the age of 17, after 14 years of speech therapy, that I wasn’t going any more... I didn’t want speech therapy, I didn’t want to voice, I didn’t want to use my hearing aids, I didn’t want to lipread, I wanted to sign. I enrolled in ASL my senior year of high school, and learned some ASL, was amazed at how much easier it was to converse, to understand what other people were saying to me, and to get my point across... then I went to college... and all my ASL died... I had no one to talk with, I had to voice, my school wasn’t giving me any support... I had to learn out of books... and my soul was crushed again... to try and get a little piece of me back, I flung myself back into the hearing world as quickly as I could... I got Hearing Aids again, I started using them again, I started voicing again, reading lips, refusing to let people know (as if they couldn’t just by my voice) that I was deaf... and while I thought I was getting myself back... I was really just loosing little pieces of me all over again... loosing what I had found, loosing who I had found, and who I had liked... then I got here... and I found home, my real home... not just with a couple people who sign, not with the family I had grown up with, but my HOME... with people who were like me, some grew up oral... some grew up signing, but all were Deaf, all were welcoming, and all were willing to help me find out who I was again, and find that person who had been so confident, who had been so happy... and she is realizing again... (maybe even for the first time) that it is safe to come out and play... safe to be Deaf, safe to be voice off, safe to be... home.

So when I started this blog... I was wondering... am i missing something, even with my hearing aids? or is this how life is suppose to be? and I can safely answer... this is how life is suppose to be... this is how my life was suppose to be from the beginning, I was suppose to be surrounded by a community who loved and accepted me for who I am, and my hearing levels... not for how well I could speak, or if I could talk on the phone... but for who I am, and who love me for me, without condition of my quiet little world I live in.

been doing some thinking

so i've been doing some thinking... about what I need, what I want... and I've come to realize... I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place... I don't know what to do. I'm trying to be rational about all of this... and not let my emotions get in the way as they normally do... but the thing is... we are emotional beings... how can I not let my emotions help guide me in decision that could affect my entire life?

I was recently introduced to, for lack of a better word, I will say article... yes it really is more of a blog... but still, the truth rings out from this. Sick systems: How to keep someone with you forever. Its really quite interesting... the four basic rules of keeping someone with you forever, either a loved one or an employee, the rules are basic, they will apply to anyone... and I'm starting to wonder... have they inadvertently been applied to me?

Rule 1: Keep them too busy to think... I am constantly doing something, working, lipreading, voicing... I really don't have time to think... at home... she doesn't want to relax... she wants to be "doing something"... wants me to read her lips... wants me to be driving, not playing on my computer... and the attention seems it needs to be on her... is she keeping me too busy to think? That I'm not quite sure about...

Rule 2: Keep them tired... This I can easily see... she keeps me up long past when I would like to sleep... and when I would like to sleep in... that can't happen... why because she... wants to "do something"

Rule 3: Keep them emotionally involved... when I feel like I am starting to break down... she turns things toward herself... I am not allowed to be unhappy... I have to keep my eye on her... I have to try and make her happy, but rarely is it the other way around... and that very easily brings us to rule 4...

Rule 4: Reward intermittently... when she wants something that I don't want... she will make lists of what it will take to get me to do what she wants... and give me little bursts of hope that things will change. Every time that I am close to calling things off, or taking a break... she gives me a little glimmer of hope... she starts signing more, she does more things on her own (like get her own water), she starts to be sweet, cuddly... but then... just as suddenly as it started... it stopps... leaving me almost desperate for more, and willing to do *almost* anything to get more... and generally... I give in to her will... into her wants...

Ok... now I know this is partially my fault, because I let the cycle go on... but I am human... we have a natural desire to find love, to find companionship, to have hope, closeness... and this is why these 4 simple rules work so easily... and reading this blog, it got me thinking... talking with a few friends... it got me thinking... is this what I want? what I need? can I think logically about this situation, and get the optimal outcome out of it? what is the optimal outcome?




Well... I think i need to start with some back story... I have been in a relationship for 4 years... and when we started the relationship... everything was... absolutely wonderful... she was understanding, we didn't get frustrated with each other... even though I had to read her lips, and both of us knew very little sign (I'm Deaf and she is hearing), and it seemed like the perfect combination... and it was great for a year or so... then I started to go on a journey to figure out who I was... I was loosing more hearing, and less and less willing to use my hearing aids that didn't really help anyway... and she was being influenced by her family... and we were both, really just going in opposite directions... or starting to at least. On the outside, we were still the "perfect couple" all of our friends said that they wished they could find someone like we had found each other... but even by that time, we were starting to wonder if their words were true anymore... if we still wanted the same things, if we could take care of each other like we use to... or if we even should.

Then skip to about a year and a half ago... we were starting to fight a lot... but we were still together, we still loved each other, we could still see our lives continuing to intermingle... and... we were moving, creating a new start, we were moving from Flagstaff to Denver, I had family here, she was going to be student teaching... and we knew it would be a rough road... but what we were hoping was that love would be enough... that our love would get us through the hardest of times. So we moved... and my hearing was getting worse, and her patience (mine too, I'm not going to lie) was getting thinner and thinner... we were connecting less and less... we could no longer sit for hours and talk about things like we use to... I couldn't grab the vocal clues any longer, and was relying completely on lipreading... and starting to decide that I was going to have to find someone who understood what I was going through. Financially it was really hard too... I was working two jobs, while she was student teaching... our income had been cut in half... while our bills went up. At that point, I had to make a choice.. her bills or mine... and because I loved her (undoubtably more than I loved or even accepted myself) I chose hers... this caused more issues... because as she got a job, she didn't understand that we still needed to pay my bills, and pay the back pay on my bills as well... looking back retrospectively... I realize my choice to choose her bills over mine, not a good one.

When she finished student teaching and got a job, (although not 100% in what she wanted) it was time for christmas... and after 6 months of me working 2 jobs and paying for as much as I could... we had no savings, no nothing... but still... she wanted to go "home" for christmas... this is when I should have started to see things were very, very wrong. I feel as if Colorado, is my home, she doesn't... and she still (to this day even) sees her mom and dads house as home... I'm very much into the belief, that home is where your heart is, and I thought... my heart was with her, and hers with mine... I think I may have been wrong.

Now look back to about... maybe 6 months ago, I started to really figure out who I was... I couldn't, and wouldn't lie to myself or anyone else... I was not this "hard of hearing" person I was trying to convince myself so desperately I was... I was "so far gone" I couldn't even attempt to become hearing... but I was deaf, actually deaf, I was still very hearing minded... but i was deaf... there was no way around it. So I started to look at sign language again... because the few people I had met in college who were Deaf, it was so much easier conversing with them than with any hearing person I knew... even though, I would never dream to tell myself that I was even remotely fluent in sign... it was still... easier... easier than reading lips, easier than misunderstanding half of what people were saying...




Then I met people who changed my life, for the better, people who understood how it was so much easier to communicate in sign, people who were Deaf, people who helped me find who I was... and I wanted the person who, despite our issues, I still loved, to become part of that with me... to learn what was becoming my language, and communicate with me in that... and hopefully clear up some communication issues... but for the most part... she still doesn't...




For the past 6 months, she has been wanting to move back to Arizona, where I don't want to be, because her family is there. Yes I understand why she wants to move... but she doesn't seem to understand (or care) why I want to stay. My family, my community, my friends, they are all here... not 900 miles away in Arizona. Yes my mom lives in California, but my sisters, my nieces, my nephew... all here...




so those are the facts... now where does my potentially life altering decision come in you may be wondering? Lets go back to the first part of the blog... the 4 basic rules for keeping people with you forever... I'm beginning to see my relationship as toxic... I'm not happy at home... I stay at work late, I don't connect with her anymore... and its beginning to feel as if staying in this relationship is emotionally abusive... maybe to both of us. Its tearing our spirits apart... and I think I'm going to have to choose... do I stay or do I go? Not only to Arizona with her for what she calls a "trial" move... but with her... do I keep in this relationship that I have devoted so much time and energy to, and so much love to, but where I am not happy, and frankly neither is she... or do I risk making what could be a huge mistake, and cut the relationship off before we both get hurt worse? I know that if I do this, it will be hard, financially, emotionally, heck, even spiritually... and I'm scared... what if I do it... and it turns out to be a huge mistake? But at the same time... what if I don't... and that is a mistake? Is there any right answer here? Is there a right decision to make? what do I do?

I know what I want, I want to be happy, I want to be healthy, I want to live a life where I can be in silence and not have the people closest to me judge me for that... but be able to communicate with me in a language that is so much more natural for me, have people come to me on my terms for once, rather than have to jump through every hoop for them... and to be loved for me, not for being a "broken hearing person"

I just want to be loved... and I think that is part of my problem... because she does love me... in her own way... and those intermittent rewards she is giving me, that is what I live for in our life together... but... is that enough? Mentally... I am swimming... drowning... almost to the surface, but not knowing which way is up... I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on... before I break... which is surface, air... and which is water? of this... I am not sure...