Saturday, February 11, 2012

What have I lost?

A recent conversation with a friend made me think about what I have lost in my life, and inadvertently what I have gained... not possessions or money, but experiences... the experiences that I have both lost and gained by being raised Orally, and the impact that has had in my life. As a child and as a teen, I was never given the opportunity to be around others like me, others who couldn’t hear, let alone understand the sounds coming out of peoples mouths without straining to see what was being said... I lost that experience with people who truly understood what it was like to be me. I lost the experience to become truly fluent in a language, in a culture... it is coming to me now, as I immerse myself in My Deaf Culture, but I was always the odd ball out growing up... Yes I can speak, yes I can lipread, yes I can write (sometimes even eloquently) , but I was never given the chance to become fluent. I can not speak or understand with ease in English... even when writing, I make many mistakes, it takes effort, and I am always second guessing myself. When I sign, things are easier... even though I was denied that language growing up... but I do not try to fool myself or anyone around me... I am not a fluent signer... one day I hope to be, but as of right now, I am not.

I lost the ability to truly connect with people around me on a deep emotional level... I can look into someones eyes and see some of what they are feeling, but I could not, especially as a child, express my feelings, or understand how others were feeling... not because I didn’t want to, in fact, I wanted to badly, but I couldn’t... I didn’t understand, I couldn’t connect, I really couldn’t communicate, in the purest sense of the word. I am learning to now... but those years before... I couldn’t. The one way I had found as a teen  to feel like I was “connecting” to someone else, was promiscuity. That caused many issues in my life... but that is one experience i have “gained” that of being called a slut... and of knowing it was true. I felt people only liked me if I were to “give” them something, and humans are pack animals... we need to feel liked, we need to feel as if we belong... and this was the only way I knew... when I was, honestly, being a slut... I was not the weird deaf girl, I was not the girl who couldn’t pronounce words, or who said what too many times... I was just a girl... who someone “cared” enough about to have sex with... and there... I went very wrong.


I hated myself, I was afraid of myself, I hated my deafness... and so much more about me, and what I had to do every day just to get by. I plastered a smile on my face, I always said yes to everything, but all I wanted to do every day, was to be out of this hell I called my life. I wanted to be done with speech therapy, I wanted to be done hating myself, I wanted to be this picture perfect person that my parents, and I, thought I should be... straight A student (I was close), hearing, popular, etc... I wanted to be almost everything I wasn’t... when I wasn’t day dreaming about this other person, the person who I thought should exist... but didn’t... I was contemplating the ways I could kill myself, to get me out of this hell that was my existence... I tried... and it was how I knew  I was alive... because I could feel myself getting so close to death... then come back... only then did I know I was actually alive. To keep the feeling of being alive, I started to cut... because there was physical proof of my being alive... I could see the blood dripping from my wrists... from my legs, from my stomach... I could feel the pain of the razor, or what ever sharp instrument was handy, cutting into my skin, reminding me that I wasn’t a shimmer of life, but actually alive. 


I realize, I lost so many experiences, I really did... and most of what I “gained” experience wise was negative... the promiscuity, the speech therapy, the ostracization, the suicide attempts, the fear of being myself... how would my life have been different if I had been allowed to know ASL from the get go? To have a community of people like me? I may never know...
My life now is very different from my life growing up... change #1... most of the time... I am actually happy... the smile on my face isn’t plastered up... most of the time it is real. I  have met people just like me, who were raised to try and be as hearing as possible... but in reality... we were just deaf, and who like me, wonder what life would have been like if they had the chance to have their natural language. I have met people who have had childhoods very different from mine... and none of them regret their childhoods, or wonder what they have lost from being raised with ASL...
For other deafies... What is your story? where do you lay on the path between deaf and Deaf? When did you find your Deaf identity, or have you found it yet? It took me 22 years... but I have found mine, and my home in the Deaf Community...


For parents of deaf children... which path will you take? The oral road? maybe CI or HA? So your children will be come... “hearing”? just as my parents did? or will you take the path where your child has the chance to grow up having connections with people? Where they do not have to feel they are less because of an ability they can not control? 


For hearing people... what have you learned?

6 comments:

  1. I really can relate to all of this, the struggle to fit in and try to be as hearing as possible. It never worked and it never will If it has... it would be very rare and very very likely that person isn't wearing any of those hearing devices. I feel like if parents were to acknowledge that we are deaf and embrace the idea of bilingualism this "experience" would not be so repeated as it is for many Deaf people.

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  2. I have lived your words. I assure you the fluency will come. I too have found my home and I cherish each day I live since I came home.
    Nancy Louise

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  3. Thank you for writing this post! You're not the only one as I have lived through VERY similar experiences as an oral, hard of hearing person. I've made my transition, tossed my hearing aids around 1992, then learned ASL in the beginning of 1994, became culturally Deaf for the rest of my life. Someone asked me to describe my life experiences in one sentence, this is what I came up with:

    "When I lived as a hearing person, it limited me. When I lived as a Deaf person, it set me free." ~ philip b. mecham

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  4. thank you for sharing. i am Deaf too but was raised to be HOH, mainstreamed Oralism and wore hearing aids and didnt know any other deaf people. isolated.

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  5. THIS IS SUCH A SERIOUS ARTICLE! I was the parent of a deaf son, who could have had a cochlear implant but did NOT, it was highly recommended at the time, which was 1982 or so. I felt it was REALLY wrong, to me, it seemed Hitler-esque, I was told they could "fix" him, but even as a young mother I knew he was not "broken." We welcomed deaf culture as much as possible into our family, but there was NO option of using a deaf school. The only one was at the tip of the bottom of Illinois, and we live at the tip of the top. It's past the Mason/Dixon line! I would have lost my son, and only seen him at Christmas, maybe summer, and not have been able to grow my language, also. I am aware that he has had frustration and anger issues, which he has handled successfully and professionally, but I am at a loss as to what we could have done differently. Today, he is almost 40, and very successful, although I know he has had socialization problems and been bullied in school. I guess what I am saying here is that there is not enough education for hearing PARENTS of deaf children. My son was the first deaf person I ever met. I was able to bring him into the local deaf adult community, but not everyone does that, we/they are mostly told to force them to be "hearing". I took a lot of abuse from people (even family!) who, although it was NONE of their business, wanted to know why we weren't using a cochear implant and that I was supposedly "not doing everything I coudl for him." Please, let's all help each other, parents need support, and education also.

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  6. Wow! What a raw and authentic post. Thanks for sharing your experiences with us.

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