Mistakes

its amazing how everything is clear as day when you look back on it... the mistakes you have made, the pain you caused... the horror you feel. i am admitting, i have made so many mistakes. many of them so minor, forgetting to take the trash out, forgetting a homework assignment, little white lies. but the ones that cause me pain are the big ones, not seeming to respect the ones i love, not showing them the respect they deserve. lying to my friends, my family, my partner, and also myself. this time, learning to accept myself, it has more work, so much more work. i have more work to do, on myself and my relationships, because they are worth trying to save, trying to repair. i cant expect everyone around me to change for my benefit, but not change myself. i cant expect honesty if im not completely honest, i cant expect sanity if im not sane. there are so many days when i question my sanity, today is one of those days. i question my mental health, i question my intentions, my resolve, my faith, my life. i question if i am who i want to be, and when im not... why do i feel the need to just make it all appear that i am healthy and whole?
why do i need so many things, and yet i am unable to do them, unable to reciprocate, unable to enjoy, just unable? why do i let the world influence me in ways it shouldn't be able to? why do i fail at my goals... and seem to be ok with that?

why am i unable to explain, yes i am fine with being deaf, but what i miss most about having more (or some) db of hearing, is music... and how i need the music, how that is driving me to accept something i have never thought of accepting before. it isn’t the lack of sound, or the weird tickling on my ear drum with my hearing aids, but it is the lack of music. it is with my current levels of deafness, that are going no where but more profound, that music has no rhythm, no depth, it is just a garbled pot of noise... just as speech. that i can not accept... i have tried... and i just cant do it. i am so scared that by thinking about getting a cochlear implant, something i have said for years i would not do, because i am not broken, that i am going to be turning my back on my community. though i know that wont be the case... my mind, or my emotions, or my crazy self, is telling me that is the truth, that is what is happening, that is what my reality is... that thinking about it is a huge mistake, and doing it would be an even bigger one. but then i try, so desperately to listen to music, to have that connection i had before, that connection to something so much bigger than myself... and it just depresses me, even more. I have made so many mistakes, and I don’t want to make any more, I want to be an open and honest person, I want to be able to have the people that I love be open and honest with me. But am I able to do that while I do not accept myself fully for who I am, when I do not accept that although yes I am Deaf, and I know that I am not broken, and that I have a wonderful community to support me and to love me just for who I am... that I still want to hear music? That I may get a CI for that reason? Am I able to be open and honest with people without expressing that? Or is it lying by omission?

Am I able to be open and honest in my relationship without feeling I am less, or that I need to protect her for my insanity? Right now... no I am not... and I know that is my problem. I am not able to be open and honest, though I am working on it, just as she is working on accept me for the Deaf person that I am, that I will continue to be, instead of a broken hearing person. I have realized, so much in the last day, I need to be open and honest, because that is what I want for those around me, to be open and honest. I need to be able to show respect, especially to those I love, and I need to learn to respect myself, and my decisions, my thoughts, my desires. Just as I need to respect the people that I love, and show them that I respect them, in the words that I say, in the movement of my hands, in the words that I right, I also need to respect myself and acknowledge that yes, I am deaf, but I do desire to hear some. Though that is a scary thought for me, because I have worked so hard to accept myself as being deaf, I terribly miss music. So here I am, opening up... I am going for a CI evaluation on May 2nd. My hopes for the CI, that I can finally hear music, not only feel the base tones, but hear music. That I become less of a frustrated person when it comes to dealing with hearing people, that I never loose sight of my Deaf community, that I learn to become a more respectful person, that I learn to be open and honest with those that I love. I know many of these dreams have nothing to do with the CI itself, but I hope this admission, I hope it leads me towards my other dreams.