so... I’ve had hearing issues my entire life, I would never have called them problems, just issues... I couldn’t hear what other people could, understand what other people could, but for me... that wasn’t really a problem. growing up with a stable 45 db loss in each ear... having hearing aids, being in the hearing world... it is just how life was. Then, within the last few years, my deafness has taken a drastic incline, I have become much more deaf. I am now only hearing above 95 or 110 db depending on the ear... and I’ve been wondering, am i missing something, even with my hearing aids? or is this how life is suppose to be?
This wondering has been a long time coming... I was so content in the hearing world, living in it, working in it, learning in it... that it has taken me a long time to realize, thats not my world... the hearing world is not where I should be, though I have been living in it for most of my life... I never really... fit in... I didn’t hear what other people said, I didn’t understand the words and sounds coming out of their mouth, but what I did do... was i thought deaf... if someone isn’t looking at you, they aren’t “listening” to you, its ok to wave to get someones attention... tell all the details about a story, don’t leave anything out, is there a tree in your story? where is the tree? where are you... spacial factors MATTER (because of this, in the hearing world... i’ve been told I tell pointless stories), tell it how it is, don’t beat around the bush that way... tell life how it is. No one in my life ever understood this before... not until I found my world, my community, those who I can, and do understand without the use of sound... my Deaf Community, where I fit in, where I belong, where I thrive!
so saying all of this, I’m learning to adjust, I’m adjusting to my Deaf world, its a big change from the hearing world I so desperately wanted to be a part of for 22 years, where I tried everything to be a part of, and in some aspects of life, its easier to adjust to the world I should have been in my entire life, and in other aspects... its still hard.
I want to discus the hard parts first... most of my family, is hearing... or at least hearing minded... they don’t understand the world I live in... and some of them seem like they don’t want to. My hearing family, even with this genetic link to SNL deafness... is still very hearing minded, and they are having a hard time adjusting to my Deafness too... they don’t understand why they can’t just call... why I HAVE to text, why when they ring the door bell (or at least did) I didn’t come running to answer it... and mostly (especially at this time of the year) why I HATE family gatherings... and the simple answer I give them, doesn’t seem to satisfy them... but it makes perfect sense to me and quite a few of my friends... I’m Deaf... but they don’t grasp the meaning behind it... they don’t understand what that means for my life.
I also work in the hearing world, I have little access to assistive devices, though they say they are “working on it” I have a captioned phone because I contacted the people to get it... but still... that requires me to try and work in the hearing world... I speak, I read, I lipread at work... I get exhausted... and I’m the only one conforming to their world... I, even with my HA’s on... have a hard time knowing when the door opens, when someone walks in, I have to lipread complete strangers on a regular basis... and I’m the one who gets in trouble if I can’t understand them... or if I even ask them to write something down... Its all on me.
My SO is hearing, and she doesn’t understand my deaf life... she always tells me she thinks I hear better than i really do... and gets mad when I have stopped pretending I can hear her, that I can understand her, because she asked me to... sometimes its easier to pretend you understood something than ask them to repeat over and over again... and still... not get it.
I’m also having to use my HA’s 100% at work, and over 50% of the time when I’m with my SO or any of my family... when after a long day of “hearing” all I really want is to just be allowed to be Deaf... to sign, to be in my quiet life... but no... I’m still having to lipread... still having to voice, still getting corrected on my pronunciation... its an exhausting life.
But there are things that have made it easier... my transition... meeting new friends from not only here in Colorado, not only here in the US, but all around the world, who understand what its like to be Deaf. I have a community, a local one, as well as a global one. We may not always understand what the other is trying to convey, but we understand the life of a Deaf person. I love my little community, all my friends I have made (most of which I haven’t met in person yet) but I still love them... they are my family, just as much as my biological family is.
Another thing that has recently made me feel safer and more secure, having just a couple “assistive devices” at home, my complex was wonderful at getting me a flashing door bell and, the thing that has made me feel safe at home, is my flashing smoke detector. I was so nervous and scared to ask for even the possibility of getting these things in my home, because I have not only been told horror stories about trying to get into an apartment because of what society sees as a disability, but also people being forced out of their homes because they informed their complex of their “disability”. My managers were wonderful at this, they had no issues ordering and installing what I needed to feel safe at home, what I needed to feel like I was at home, and that my home was suitable for me.
I have also been using ASL much more than ever before. I was denied that right growing up, I was told that I could not learn it, because then... I wouldn’t speak... I was told that I couldn’t meet any Deaf people, because then... I would become Deaf... I finally told my parents at the age of 17, after 14 years of speech therapy, that I wasn’t going any more... I didn’t want speech therapy, I didn’t want to voice, I didn’t want to use my hearing aids, I didn’t want to lipread, I wanted to sign. I enrolled in ASL my senior year of high school, and learned some ASL, was amazed at how much easier it was to converse, to understand what other people were saying to me, and to get my point across... then I went to college... and all my ASL died... I had no one to talk with, I had to voice, my school wasn’t giving me any support... I had to learn out of books... and my soul was crushed again... to try and get a little piece of me back, I flung myself back into the hearing world as quickly as I could... I got Hearing Aids again, I started using them again, I started voicing again, reading lips, refusing to let people know (as if they couldn’t just by my voice) that I was deaf... and while I thought I was getting myself back... I was really just loosing little pieces of me all over again... loosing what I had found, loosing who I had found, and who I had liked... then I got here... and I found home, my real home... not just with a couple people who sign, not with the family I had grown up with, but my HOME... with people who were like me, some grew up oral... some grew up signing, but all were Deaf, all were welcoming, and all were willing to help me find out who I was again, and find that person who had been so confident, who had been so happy... and she is realizing again... (maybe even for the first time) that it is safe to come out and play... safe to be Deaf, safe to be voice off, safe to be... home.
So when I started this blog... I was wondering... am i missing something, even with my hearing aids? or is this how life is suppose to be? and I can safely answer... this is how life is suppose to be... this is how my life was suppose to be from the beginning, I was suppose to be surrounded by a community who loved and accepted me for who I am, and my hearing levels... not for how well I could speak, or if I could talk on the phone... but for who I am, and who love me for me, without condition of my quiet little world I live in.
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