I was recently introduced to, for lack of a better word, I will say article... yes it really is more of a blog... but still, the truth rings out from this. Sick systems: How to keep someone with you forever. Its really quite interesting... the four basic rules of keeping someone with you forever, either a loved one or an employee, the rules are basic, they will apply to anyone... and I'm starting to wonder... have they inadvertently been applied to me?
Rule 1: Keep them too busy to think... I am constantly doing something, working, lipreading, voicing... I really don't have time to think... at home... she doesn't want to relax... she wants to be "doing something"... wants me to read her lips... wants me to be driving, not playing on my computer... and the attention seems it needs to be on her... is she keeping me too busy to think? That I'm not quite sure about...
Rule 2: Keep them tired... This I can easily see... she keeps me up long past when I would like to sleep... and when I would like to sleep in... that can't happen... why because she... wants to "do something"
Rule 3: Keep them emotionally involved... when I feel like I am starting to break down... she turns things toward herself... I am not allowed to be unhappy... I have to keep my eye on her... I have to try and make her happy, but rarely is it the other way around... and that very easily brings us to rule 4...
Rule 4: Reward intermittently... when she wants something that I don't want... she will make lists of what it will take to get me to do what she wants... and give me little bursts of hope that things will change. Every time that I am close to calling things off, or taking a break... she gives me a little glimmer of hope... she starts signing more, she does more things on her own (like get her own water), she starts to be sweet, cuddly... but then... just as suddenly as it started... it stopps... leaving me almost desperate for more, and willing to do *almost* anything to get more... and generally... I give in to her will... into her wants...
Ok... now I know this is partially my fault, because I let the cycle go on... but I am human... we have a natural desire to find love, to find companionship, to have hope, closeness... and this is why these 4 simple rules work so easily... and reading this blog, it got me thinking... talking with a few friends... it got me thinking... is this what I want? what I need? can I think logically about this situation, and get the optimal outcome out of it? what is the optimal outcome?
Well... I think i need to start with some back story... I have been in a relationship for 4 years... and when we started the relationship... everything was... absolutely wonderful... she was understanding, we didn't get frustrated with each other... even though I had to read her lips, and both of us knew very little sign (I'm Deaf and she is hearing), and it seemed like the perfect combination... and it was great for a year or so... then I started to go on a journey to figure out who I was... I was loosing more hearing, and less and less willing to use my hearing aids that didn't really help anyway... and she was being influenced by her family... and we were both, really just going in opposite directions... or starting to at least. On the outside, we were still the "perfect couple" all of our friends said that they wished they could find someone like we had found each other... but even by that time, we were starting to wonder if their words were true anymore... if we still wanted the same things, if we could take care of each other like we use to... or if we even should.
Then skip to about a year and a half ago... we were starting to fight a lot... but we were still together, we still loved each other, we could still see our lives continuing to intermingle... and... we were moving, creating a new start, we were moving from Flagstaff to Denver, I had family here, she was going to be student teaching... and we knew it would be a rough road... but what we were hoping was that love would be enough... that our love would get us through the hardest of times. So we moved... and my hearing was getting worse, and her patience (mine too, I'm not going to lie) was getting thinner and thinner... we were connecting less and less... we could no longer sit for hours and talk about things like we use to... I couldn't grab the vocal clues any longer, and was relying completely on lipreading... and starting to decide that I was going to have to find someone who understood what I was going through. Financially it was really hard too... I was working two jobs, while she was student teaching... our income had been cut in half... while our bills went up. At that point, I had to make a choice.. her bills or mine... and because I loved her (undoubtably more than I loved or even accepted myself) I chose hers... this caused more issues... because as she got a job, she didn't understand that we still needed to pay my bills, and pay the back pay on my bills as well... looking back retrospectively... I realize my choice to choose her bills over mine, not a good one.
When she finished student teaching and got a job, (although not 100% in what she wanted) it was time for christmas... and after 6 months of me working 2 jobs and paying for as much as I could... we had no savings, no nothing... but still... she wanted to go "home" for christmas... this is when I should have started to see things were very, very wrong. I feel as if Colorado, is my home, she doesn't... and she still (to this day even) sees her mom and dads house as home... I'm very much into the belief, that home is where your heart is, and I thought... my heart was with her, and hers with mine... I think I may have been wrong.
Now look back to about... maybe 6 months ago, I started to really figure out who I was... I couldn't, and wouldn't lie to myself or anyone else... I was not this "hard of hearing" person I was trying to convince myself so desperately I was... I was "so far gone" I couldn't even attempt to become hearing... but I was deaf, actually deaf, I was still very hearing minded... but i was deaf... there was no way around it. So I started to look at sign language again... because the few people I had met in college who were Deaf, it was so much easier conversing with them than with any hearing person I knew... even though, I would never dream to tell myself that I was even remotely fluent in sign... it was still... easier... easier than reading lips, easier than misunderstanding half of what people were saying...
Then I met people who changed my life, for the better, people who understood how it was so much easier to communicate in sign, people who were Deaf, people who helped me find who I was... and I wanted the person who, despite our issues, I still loved, to become part of that with me... to learn what was becoming my language, and communicate with me in that... and hopefully clear up some communication issues... but for the most part... she still doesn't...
For the past 6 months, she has been wanting to move back to Arizona, where I don't want to be, because her family is there. Yes I understand why she wants to move... but she doesn't seem to understand (or care) why I want to stay. My family, my community, my friends, they are all here... not 900 miles away in Arizona. Yes my mom lives in California, but my sisters, my nieces, my nephew... all here...
so those are the facts... now where does my potentially life altering decision come in you may be wondering? Lets go back to the first part of the blog... the 4 basic rules for keeping people with you forever... I'm beginning to see my relationship as toxic... I'm not happy at home... I stay at work late, I don't connect with her anymore... and its beginning to feel as if staying in this relationship is emotionally abusive... maybe to both of us. Its tearing our spirits apart... and I think I'm going to have to choose... do I stay or do I go? Not only to Arizona with her for what she calls a "trial" move... but with her... do I keep in this relationship that I have devoted so much time and energy to, and so much love to, but where I am not happy, and frankly neither is she... or do I risk making what could be a huge mistake, and cut the relationship off before we both get hurt worse? I know that if I do this, it will be hard, financially, emotionally, heck, even spiritually... and I'm scared... what if I do it... and it turns out to be a huge mistake? But at the same time... what if I don't... and that is a mistake? Is there any right answer here? Is there a right decision to make? what do I do?
I know what I want, I want to be happy, I want to be healthy, I want to live a life where I can be in silence and not have the people closest to me judge me for that... but be able to communicate with me in a language that is so much more natural for me, have people come to me on my terms for once, rather than have to jump through every hoop for them... and to be loved for me, not for being a "broken hearing person"
I just want to be loved... and I think that is part of my problem... because she does love me... in her own way... and those intermittent rewards she is giving me, that is what I live for in our life together... but... is that enough? Mentally... I am swimming... drowning... almost to the surface, but not knowing which way is up... I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on... before I break... which is surface, air... and which is water? of this... I am not sure...
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